nutin
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
A Dignified Devil's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
| Monday, May 25th, 2009 | | 8:16 pm |
moving on to wordpress
I have decided to just update my wordpress account from now on with concerns of my life: http://dignifieddevil.wordpress.comI feel like continuing to post in a private forum just isn't for me, it's a kinda opening up to the world... or at least google's search cache. - A | | Wednesday, April 29th, 2009 | | 10:18 pm |
The Angel
First, I LOST MY FUCKING PENS HOLY FUCK 100 USD IN PENS JESUS!!!!!! THREE YEARS I HAVE THESE THINGS AND THEN BAMN ONE STUPID BAG LATER. Second, So today I go to Dasa Books and trade in two books. It is possible I lost my pens here. I don't know. I go to the Doctor's for my klinefelter's results and I'm negative. He seems happy and cheerful this time. My chromosone is typically male he tells me. I was kinda ready for this, I was kinda 1/2 way expecting the hemaphrodite status, but it raises questions. Why did I grow up wanting to be a woman? Why was I beaten by my peers? Why did I have to kill off so much just to fit in? or did I? is masculinity the repression of emotion? Who am I as usual? Am I just a guy with OCD deluded into thinking the way he feels about women is different than other men? Why do I understand women and not guys? WHY DID I LOSE MY LAMY FOUNTAIN PENS????????? or did I? Did I just leave them at home? Why do I feel like I used to be a girl? I had resolved to learn my base lesson, that in some way I have destroyed myself, but what have I learned? - Andrew | | Monday, April 13th, 2009 | | 8:38 pm |
back
That guy could be anyone. He was amitious, he pushed aside himself. I'm gonna be anyone, I'm gonna be famous. To be back there is a little bit of torture, to see yourself pulling yourself apart again. Keep the course bitch, keep the course. | | Saturday, March 28th, 2009 | | 8:28 pm |
back
I am back in that room years ago and there I am on the couch watching neo-genesis evangelion. Today I am possessed with a desire to watch Sleeper over and over again and revisit those lost anime classics I used to love. I have managed to travel back to my teenage years, and there she is on the couch, I just wanna touch her, I just wanna feel her, I just want hug her and all the pain going through her, and here I am in 2008, wishing I was young again. Julie calls and she is miserable in Nong Khai. She complains for awhile, I don't know how to help her, I have turned my emotions off, she has kept hers on, but now I'm staring back at that boy... girl? on the couch, as she watches anime and cries and wondering what happened to me? She is effemiate, brimming with joy, and hated by her peers. It is only now that I am realizing that she was a woman, for most of my life I thought she was a guy, and her pathos and sorrow reach across time and I just wanna cry. I just wanted someone to love me and soon she's going to the internet and fuck some guy and then she'll fall alseep in her bed and the tunnels of desire will run through her, the self will start to come out, and she'll decide to become a guy, because she needs to be someone who's famous, someone who's admired, someone people enjoy. p.s. read the Tangeirs diary of Ronald Tavel, it's amazing. | | 12:26 am |
sisters... twin sisters no less
Oat home already? :):) Today 00:00Andrew yeah where are you? 00:00Oat home too :):) too bored of society in general. 00:01Andrew yeah I wanted to talk but I was going crazy and I ain't got no cash so I went home and entertained fantasies of my exciting life as a ladyboy whore 00:01Oat hahaha i do that too, from time to times lady boy whore seem to hav so much fun in thier lives! 00:02Andrew yeah totally, they just dance all day and get fucked it's the best life possible 00:03Oat people say their life are pointless as they're trying to b something they cant be but really, if u r happy, who give a fuck 00:03Andrew well the thing is they're becoming what they want to be 00:03Oat it isnt bout the destination, but the journey that counts 00:03Andrew which is women there were two American transvestites at raindogs tonight before you got there 00:04Oat yeh? 00:04Andrew it's really about the identity, being who you want to be yeah, they didn't want to talk to me 00:04Oat oh lame why? 00:04Andrew Don't know, they're always like that the one from London was nice at Kaos, but she didn't really wanna talk either 00:05Oat pocy? 00:05Andrew pocy? 00:05Oat poncy? too posh for a talk? 00:05Andrew nah, I don't really understand the reason 00:05Oat meh but they cant carry babies thought... so technically, they cant b women 00:06Andrew hahaha 00:06Oat but i guess being women is more than just capibility of giving birth its the life style 00:07Andrew well I mean I think it's really more about relating to women and realizing who you are is basically the same as them yeah exactly, the lifestyle. I mean I want to be a lazy bitch that's taken care of 00:07Oat lol who doesnt 00:08Andrew Vin Diseil 00:08Oat hmmm u never know 00:08Andrew yeah I bet he does 00:09Oat want to b spanked 00:09Andrew me or Vin Deseil? yeah I'm into that I tried spanking a ladyboy once, wasn't a good idea 00:10Oat hahaha thats funny 00:10Andrew yeah 00:10Oat she must b like "nooooooooooooooooooooooo" satopppppp i like no hittttt 00:10Andrew nah it was like WTF!? 00:21Andrew I've come to the sudden decission to just give up on honesty altogether I really like lying 00:21Oat me too its fun 00:22Andrew yeah definitely we should tell people we're twins 00:22Oat hahaha with 30 years age different 00:23Andrew our dad was Israeli-Thai he died in the War over the Water Park on the border between Myanmar and Thailand I travelled through time 00:24Oat that make perfect sense 00:24Andrew yeah they'll buy it, we're cute 00:25Oat i think so Andrew I'm the intellectual one 00:26Oat wat?! hell no, i wont b the shallow one 00:26Andrew fine, I'm the dirty one 00:26Oat wat ever i'll b the hot one and u're overpowered by me we can read each other minds 00:27Andrew I already am yeah definitely telepathy is usually part of being twins | | Saturday, March 21st, 2009 | | 5:58 am |
yeah... I did oh wait sorry it's more clever if I title it Oops... I did it again.
Ok so today I wrote a 250 word article on ferret insurance in order to possibly be paid 200 usd to write about ferret insurance more often. Now, I like ferrets, I mean really their nice animals, loveable, possibly disease ridden, but why am I the expert on ferret insurance? I am asked to write an article on etsy.com. I write one. I go to Club Culture and run into Bloom, we sit around and talk a little, I try to convince her to buy a Blythe doll with me, I want shared custosdy, I get it on Thurs to Saturday she gets it monday to wednesday, on sundays it sits it in its box. This seems about right for a shared custody kid. Club Culture turns out to be fun, I'm in the mood to dance and some new Le Tigre like track comes on with that girl kinda screaming over it. For a second I the whole judith butler performativity thing makes sense to me, gender is just a series of behavoirs, girls dance, guys mimic, everyone plays their role. I meet up with Ark and Kevin and end up at G.O.D. GOD is like the gay club you don't take your straight friends too. This is mostly because it involves drugs, nudity, and dance music so loud my ears were ringing afterwards. At GOD I run into Chris who tells me that the gay scene in the U.S. is really racist, in Thailand however, everyone wants to sleep with a black guy. I am offered cocaine... twice. The night ends and I end up talking to some british guy who has wire frame glasses and had I passed in the street would have assumed had two kids, a mortage, and possibly three wives. He probably does. He proceeds to tell me that if you want to go home with a guy just ask, he says all these guys are dying to suck caucasian cock. I gingerly take his advice and make some, do you want me to sit with you movements to some thai guys. They look horrified. One of them points at his friend, I tell him he has a nice skull necklace, he looks offended. I try to walk down to park bridge and end up with one of those dudes who follows tourists around trying to get you to go his all night dance club. I end up... as usual... with two ladyboys. I go home with one. Can't get erect for more than 15 seconds, but strangely she decides to fuck me... twice... and then says she's not finished. Apparently she sings at a club, she gives me her number. night over. just another ladyboy story. I need to get girly quick, this shit is starting to piss me off. | | Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 | | 9:35 pm |
that first girl
When I think about that first girl I'm not so sure I really wanted her. I remember at summer camp and a few notable differences. The guys around me had already developed some type of chauvinistic desire, I didn't really have any. My major hetereosexual fanatasies were really ones on entrappment and the relation I had with women ran counter to them. Did I merely pick up on that moment of objectification and go with it? Sexuality isn't really built out of hottness, it's simply desire or longing. My identity is a squishy thing, pushed down and rolled around because I don't really know who I am. This experience is growing because I have a more defined sense of myself. - Andrew | | Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 | | 12:13 am |
the usual identity projects
1. mobility Since Orlando when I first lost my ability to stand up for myself, I remember being overhwelmed by noise music, afriad to listen to anything to loud. 2. maleability this dude has gotta go | | Monday, February 9th, 2009 | | 10:35 pm |
| | 10:15 pm |
mayeb it's just me?
There's a peculair feeling one gets when one has been over the world a few times. A kinda slowing down of culture of how slow the local is to injest the whole. So complicated is the memeosphere that it's download times are measures in decades, its movements in centuries. At times walking through Japan's nearly derelict expanses of age, one is forced to consider the question, is it really all over? Has the world really begun to end? Is this party over and the ideas decaying, so many cramped into the world's neurosis, that they've merely succumbed to impact wounds, never making it over the rise, or is the world merely lacking in theory, perspective, the new. p.s. JUST POPPED AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT. FIRST THOUGHT AFTER PROZAC BEGINS TO HIT. | | 2:08 am |
Ketamine
at times when I realized I'm locked in this person, set in this self, it just annoys me. If you took myself and set it in space, I'd be a thistle of brambles. Ketamine is about the closest I've come chemically to describing what it's like to be me, just mute and content to die. Passion in check, withering. If the software ain't right, if the self isn't in alignment then life isn't enjoyable, but far worse is to be in purgatory now. Hell at least has a feeling. | | Thursday, February 5th, 2009 | | 9:03 pm |
conundrum
Ok so I've mentioned it before, but over a year ago I switched methods of understanding the world. Previously I had thought I could be anybody, and I was excited by this prospect, I created multiple identities, fled through socialist hippies to church types to mild homosexuals, but I stopped doing this because implicit in the assumption that I could be anyone, was the idea that we're all the same. This put my identity tool kit in limbo. But was this tool kit any good? Did it create warped pysches full of neurosis and pyschosis, problems from with in? I thought I was a pretty good internal thinker, although I made bad assumptions about the rest world, the automatic oh everyone understands what I meant. Now I find myself trying to arrange my ego to please these new found pleasures of the ID. Did I know 1 year ago that cat calling turned me on? Free drinks a slight inticement? I am more comfortable with my desire for pleasure, my id is slowing things down, my once hectic frenzy now dwindling down to acceptance and wanting. Two problems though, was my original identity tool kit any good? Most accounts of how identity is formulated differ form the wear and tear method of old, I am no longer a lock picker tumbler through emotion till bamn person X becomes understandable, performatitivty has taught me a little about my self, I see where my identity is coming from in better terms, but imaginations of my desires aren't the solution to the ID's problems, it needs real concrete solutions, genuine body parts to flex, fuckers to fuck me, etc. I now find the identity tumblers running again, only this time a little more energized, because it's a big world out there full of people to occupy. | | Thursday, January 8th, 2009 | | 8:08 pm |
the subconscious
Perhaps the most strange thing about the subconscious is the way it can reward us with out our consciousness really being aware of it. It comes as a surprise, waves of relief and pleasure, a slightly stoned feeling. What actions enact the subconscious is always a mystery, a wig, some make up? Flirting with boys? Identity must be mutable because the subconscious' keys are everywhere, in our imagination our ability to imagine ourselves as others and the fantasies with in. We become like shamans looking for the keys to these moments, when the snakes dissapear and the mind clears and for a second we feel like ourselves. | | Thursday, January 1st, 2009 | | 5:33 am |
Or maybe
It's just about pleasure. The guy fucking the girl down on patpong doesn't care about intellectual companionship, he isn't interested in romance, he just likes fucking people in short shorts. Perhaps all these connections are just friends? - A | | Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 | | 3:07 am |
The Feeling Map
1. You might get a feeling out of someone, but they don't necessarily get one out of you 2. Most people date people who they get a similar feeling out of. 3. Is the feeling a construct? Are we constructing emotional maps from sex? Is our private fantasy life somehow being advertised by our self? | | Monday, December 29th, 2008 | | 9:03 pm |
| | Sunday, December 28th, 2008 | | 1:27 am |
What is a sexuality?
Let's imagine for a second that people actually did something unthinkable, they ummmm ya know seperated all their relationships into categories. This is remarkably hard to do, elektra complexes might haunt that weekend at the theme park with your dad, your best friend might have run down the stairs in hot pants once and aroused you, or maybe you just really want to fuck dogs. Any of the above can complicate the seemly simple relations that comprise the spectrum of who to fuck and who to friend or even better what friend to fuck over. Now let's start with gender. What is the relation between the heterosexual and the gender opposite? Do men relate with women? How do they relate? What is the proper level of excitement that the average male heterosexual should feel, when the girl terribly cute in front of them has a totally awesome sowing night? My major problem is, I actually rather like girls. Really. They're awesome, they think differently, they have something going on. Men on the other hand I'm somewhat locked out of. I don't get them. They make little sense to me. I have a creeping suspicion at times, that I'm somehow not in on the joke. Now this leaves me several questions A. How do other men feel about other men? Do they understand them intuitively? Do guys get guys? and then B. Do women feel similarly about each other, but ya know maybe don't want to rip each other's clothes off and just fuck right there? C. Do other men feel similarly about women. My sexuality is one of identification. I find a women, I like her, we start to talk, and then usually I end up masturbating to her and then she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. This can get kinda intense. Most of the women who have been interested in me, I didn't get. My question is, how do heterosexuals operate? What would draw someone initially to the opposite gender if identification wasn't there? Oh wait, kinky sex. Yeah, forgot about that. But let's look at a couple things, we make friends because we like people, but once the basic juvenile joys of sex have faded, the fantasies have gone away etc. What keeps people pursueing others outside of reproduction? Why do you fall in love with some people? Identification is a powerful force and at heart many relationships are made out of it, but is there a difference between the admiration between say friends and the love you feel towards your boyfriend and girlfriend? Is there some type of third element I'm missing between apathy and envy? Is the way you feel towards your boyfriend or girlfriend differnt than the way you feel amongst good friends? and finally, were we to make a definition of friends and lovers, how would you reorganize your life to fit it? Would you have to get rid of that dog? Oh oh oh BONUS Susan Sontag on being a lesbian... hell yes... hell yes... I love this... thank you new york review of books. Oh BTW apparently lesbianism sucks sometimes: "She was under a great deal of pressure to do so, as her erotic and emotional life was, during the later years of this volume, chasteningly unsatisfactory: both I. and I.'s predecessor H., with whom Sontag continued an affair in Paris, seemed to find it unavoidable (in Sontag's account, anyhow) to heap humiliations upon her in the form of repeated withdrawal of affection and approval, rebukes concerning her character and her lack of psychological acuity, and criticisms of her lovemaking. Still, pressure alone will not make us take an exacting look at ourselves—courage is indispensable to the effort." and on her husband: "The torment of lying, sleepless, beside the body one uniquely desires, and not being able to break through, to command desire in return.... Awful awful feeling of 'déja été,' for I did desire Philip tremendously during the first year." | | Tuesday, October 21st, 2008 | | 12:40 am |
bars
It is De's birthday and he calls. He has a certian desperation in his voice, "it's my birthday he says and no one has given me a present." this is said with out any cry for sympathy. I package up two new Antony projects Hercules and Love Affair and the Another World ep and drag off to Silom. The bar is fairly empty, Maitree sings karoake with a guy who confesses his sexual confusion to me. An Indian cross-dresser lurks around. While eating a gyro a ladyboy performances a dance to Whitney Houston on some scooters. The second club I used to DJ at in Silom is now closed. But what stays, as we talk outside the bar and I nearly fall asleep, is how small it all is, despite all the hype, despite all the supposed openness of our society, it's really quite small. The gays stay hands clasped, with their beers and cigars. They all remind slightly of Bruce La Bruce characters. It's terribly sad, the indian cross dresser is British, she shakes my hand firmly and sings along to Britney Spears. We watch some dancer from DJ Station who is pondering over his painting, his windows open, shirtless with brushes, his head at times in pain ducked into his knees, other times standing up, awaiting attention. | | Friday, February 29th, 2008 | | 7:42 pm |
Boom
and bangkok job is done. interview tuesday. lasted 1 contract for a change. - A | | Friday, December 14th, 2007 | | 12:41 am |
night 2
James is playing and the Maurizo mix he plays is perfect and then things get boring. Thailand has closed bars on the weekends for the election. A korean girl comes in flirty like Han in Tokyo. I have lost my ideas for music right now, bored, tired of it I DJ and then listen to mission of burma - academy fight song then burial - raver the later is amazing. james and ole are off to derrick may, I gotta play one more hour. ideas od ladyboy-ness offset by balding and soo-young who is cute and like to talk. she has that peculair openess that marks korean metropolitianites. finished 3 lethem books recently. yoshio is listening to burial. it's funny to realize that all the ennui i felt so ashamed of when starting this jounal would leave me, and perhaps some minor concepts and a little bullshit would fill it's void. maybe i need more problems again? |
[ << Previous 20 ]
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dignified_devil's journal